spring

Happy Spring Equinox from Nova Scotia!  I bought tulips yesterday grown on nearby PEI.  Such a welcome sight.  They were grown in a greenhouse, of course.  It was -13C (9F) when I got up this morning.  But the temp will get above freezing this afternoon and it’s sunny and sunset isn’t until 7:30.  Hello spring!

One week into my corporate job, I went on a business trip.  I had moved to Seattle from Ottawa the weekend before, I was temporarily staying in a furnished apartment, I had hurriedly bought new clothes because my big suitcase took a different flight, I had attended an orientation program for hundreds of new employees, and it seemed like I had just found my office when my new manager included me in a team flying to Austin, TX on the weekend.

Reps from the company we visited wanted to give us a taste of Austin music so, after a Tex-Mex meal, we were transported by mini-bus to a roadhouse where there was a large table reserved for us in front of the stage.  We were a big group of button-down nerds (I was the only woman) surrounded by standing folk (we had taken most of the chairs) in sleeveless tees and tattoos.  We were all sweating.  Then it got weird.  The band’s lead started singing explicit lyrics directly to our host.  He looked awkward.  The shy child inside me wondered: how did I get here?

Eight months later, I took a business trip to London on my own.  I was still feeling new at the job and nervous.  I worked from my hotel room in the evenings and went to Starbucks for breakfast every day.  Leaving my hotel room to walk to the office one morning, I was startled to see a young woman wearing a fancy dress sitting on the floor at the end of the corridor.  I guessed either a friend had locked her out of the room or she had lost her key.  She looked like me.  She looked like an old me I was trying to coloUr over with this serious, impersonal, workaholic tech-writer version.

Because I’d dropped into a tech career later in life and was suddenly surrounded by big egos, I often felt out of place.  Particularly in my first job with a start-up and in the first year with the big corporation, I frequently felt like I was just pretending to know what was going on and someone was going to discover I was a fake—see me as still the shy child or the unmotivated young woman or the depressed hausfrau or the obnoxious party girl—who couldn’t do the job.

Working through all the discomfort and job challenges gave me confidence.  The discipline of setting and achieving big personal goals also helped—training to climb Mount Rainier, buying a condo, retiring and then moving home.

But my rural location is not optimum year-round for a retired solo introvert.  I haven’t achieved the social engagement piece of the SLSR plan—looking for a volunteer job, joining a sangha, frequently visiting family and friends.  So far, my retirement doesn’t feel like it’s building on all the other versions of me that came before—it feels more like digging something out.  I’m tired of shoveling.  It’s time for a new goal.  It’s time to plan what’s next.

References and related links:

• SLSR: simpler living semi-retirement.
• Sangha: a local Buddhist community.
• goal post (post #9)